Authoritative Self-Help

After reading Malcolm Gladwell's new book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, I was captivated with the ideas of Dr. John Gottman. Gladwell visits Gottman's marriage clinic, where Gottman and his researchers videotape couples talking about an area of conflict in their marriage. It can be any conflict, it doesn't matter what. Gottman and his clinicians then code the coversation based on emotional values he's developed over the years. Gladwell writes:

On the basis of those calculations, Gottman has proven something remarkable. If he analyzes an hour of a husband and wife talking, he can predict with 95 percent accuracy whether that couple will still be married 15 years later. If he watches a couple for fifteen minutes, his success rate is around 90 percent.

I thought this idea was so fascinating, and I wanted to read more about Gottman's theories. So I got a copy of The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family and Friendships, by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.
Just one of Gottman's intriguing ideas is that we make emotional connections with bids. "How was your day?" is a bid for emotional connection. A one-word answer like, "Fine" is actually turning away from the bid. To turn toward the bid, you'd say something like, "Really good, I got to do research on the space shuttle. Did you know .... " That way, you're opening up the discussion instead of closing it down.
Gottman uses lots of examples to illustrate this point. For instance, a contradictory, turning-away response:

Friend A: Would you like a tangerine?
Friend B: That's not a tangerine. It's a Satsuma orange.

There's lots more to this book -- including facial expressions, emotional instincts and finding shared meaning. If you're interested in self-help, I highly recommend it.
My previous post on "Blink" is here; my secret confession to liking self-help books is here.